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planning out my death

by bunny love

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1.
wish 03:29
I wish I had a home but I don’t I wish I felt okay but I won’t I wish life stayed in place but it don’t wish my dad said he’s proud but he won’t Wish I always kept my cool but I don’t I wish people listened but they won’t Wish I had health insurance but I don’t Wish I always felt fulfilled but I won’t I wish I had a home but I don’t I wish I’d act my age but I won’t wish I had a sense of calm but I don’t wish my hair would stop balding but it won’t I wish I had control but I don’t I wish my body worked but it won’t I wish I had more time but I don’t I wish the world ended but it won’t Wishing I was someone else, but it takes up too much time And I know I’m not alone but it still doesn’t make it fine And I wish that we could all just be exactly what we want but I know that that’s impossible you need to settle sometime Because not everyone can be a winner And not everyone can survive this winter I killed too many brain cells and I’m thinking like a fish and I feel I’m slowly drowning as I’m drying in this shit And I keep comparing my life to all the perfect ones I see but I’m lazy and dysfunctional and I can never be Because not everyone can be a winner And not everyone can survive this winter I wish I had a home but I could never stay still
2.
the days are getting colder but I’m melting like the snow That piles on the house as if it’s gonna take control I guess that it does anyways winter makes me so depressed But when the summer comes back I’m still feeling like a mess and I get into my car because I’ve gotta go work more and I need more cash And these dark days have me saving up like it’s the apocalypse I need enough so I can escape I always am looking for a way out But I feel so trapped in this fucking race I never wanted to be a part of it And I bought a milkshake and cried I’m not really sure why I ordered a side of fries I think I wanted to die And at HEB I stared into the aisle like a horror movie Contemplating suicide as I picked up my broccoli Am I normal? is this normal? Just gotta act like I’m fine But when I’m overwhelmed in the grocery store I think I’d rather die I feel bad these days for most of the week Saw a friend of mine and I could barely speak I’m sick, I’m stunted, I make bad decisions There’s people who care but I’m never with them I isolate myself but I don’t know how to do anything else, I guess it’s how I was raised Sitting all alone in all my younger days And now it’s still the same
3.
everyday feels longer than the last Everyday I don’t want to look back everyday is a fever dream, everyday is belittling Everyday we don’t say anything Anything that’s real Anything that’s real Anything that’s real Nothing feels real
4.
My shoulders feel too heavy now it’s gotten too loud inside I’ve got this weight holding me down There’s too many things to analyze I didn’t mean to burn a bridge It’s not something I ever did before but now I can’t stop doing it And it’s not how I want to live Going to bars out on my own Talking to strangers on my phone research chemicals and internet dates But it’s all empty and I feel fake Nothing looks good anymore I can’t remember the last time I actually had fun I barely let out a laugh these days but people used to say I had a good one
5.
thinking of the changing leaves in new hampshire the pink house my parents painted when I was a kid the old house on the hill, it always made me scared but despite the nightmares I was safe there but it's not my home now, I can't go back there and whenever I visit it's not the same in new hampshire waiting for the bus to berlin from zagreb gonna spend a couple weeks with these new friends of mine can't wait to eat falafel and drink club matte I wasn't there long but the city makes me feel alive but my visa's almost up, I gotta leave soon and besides i'm sure that things can't always be this good thinking about Emilie she always meant a lot to me her loud laugh and big heart maybe I gotta go to palm springs soon i just wanna cut through all the bullshit i wanna know all your secrets and your deepest fears how many more people can I fit into my small heart until i finally don't feel so alone
6.
soul sisters 03:40
laying next to you like a childhood friend i wanna stay here for eternity feeling safe now we talk about everything, I wanna know all of your secrets everything there is to know walking with the two of you i feel like the baddest bitch in this town like we could do anything because we can and staying up past the sun because we don't give a fuck about anything at least right now we might live in different countries thousands of miles apart but i think about you all the time and it makes me smile drinking beers in the park going crazy in the bathroom stall so many fucked up funny moments all the time listening to darkwave bands, laughing about everything popping pills like they're medicine because they are yeah
7.
I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less I guess I’m stubborn Yeah I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less I’m like a child Well I’ve been called that before Yeah I’m a child Who always wants more But I’m getting older now And I gotta settle for something Cause if you don’t settle for something You end up with nothing I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less But it’s impossible to live like this I feel so whole when I’m stumbling around through a dark club And I feel so whole when I’m tied up in your room cause there is nothing else now I feel so whole when I’m stumbling around through a dark club And I feel so whole when I’m falling in love again falling in love again I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less I only am content in absolute bliss I don’t wanna settle for anything less i guess I’m stubborn Yeah
8.
and there is never any point in anything we believe in that doesn't make it any easier every time that i'm leaving and i wish that i could pause time and do everything that i need and i wish that everything could somehow stay the same always always through everything everything i've got too many stupid pipe dreams that i can't stop believing i'm always thinking way too much, not feeling enough shifting highways all the time going through roads to nowhere i lost my map so long ago but i guess i'll get to somewhere i miss so many people and there are so many more i'd like to meet i never feel content but i guess i will never be always always i've got too many stupid pipe dreams that i can't stop believing i'm always thinking way too much, not feeling enough thinking too much not feeling enough thinking too much not feeling enough always
9.
I’m shopping on the dream market While you’re shopping at ikea I’m living out of my backpack while you’re living in a high end flat I’m working on not crying While you’re working on your masters Sometimes I think I’m dying But you’ve got some good health coverage Well my life is a little bit crazy My life is a little bit crazy But that’s okay I’m shopping on the dream market While you’re shopping for a brand new car I’m making more stupid songs And you’re making a dissertation I’m playing a basement show You’ve got a new job at a company I’m hitch hiking all summer You’re thinking of starting a family Well my life is a little bit crazy My life is a little bit crazy But that’s okay
10.
In October I was planning out my death But now I feel better now I feel better In October I was planning out my death But now I feel better And I hope it lasts In October I was planning out my death But now I feel better now I feel better In October I was planning out my death But now I feel better now I feel better There’s so many things That I want to do I don’t want to give up I hope I can make it through Again In October I was planning out my death But now I feel better now I feel better Etc

credits

released March 29, 2019

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bunny love New Hampshire

home recordings by a person that gets bummed out a lot and moves around a lot

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