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well i guess i'm a young adult. and "young adult" is right. because i look a little bit older. but feel fucking immature. i'm just drifting around. wasting my brain power. i'll probably fall back asleep in another half an hour. well i got good grades in grade school. this made me feel accomplished. and i'd play video games and be satisfied when i beat them. but now i don't know how to measure success inside or if i'm driving well on this fucked up crazy ride. well i'm working a couple jobs now. i feel okay when i get paid. but i still feel hollow at the end of the day. they told me follow your dreams you can be anything. a doctor or a scientist or a pediatrician. but i don't know what i wanna be or even my beliefs. i guess i gotta cling to something and see where it takes me. i can travel other countries, try to help out the world. or be a social worker, help out orphaned boys and girls. i can be a hedonist and do lots of drugs. or work a desk job fixing computer bugs. i can pursue money, try my best to be rich. or try to start a family and be a monogamist. i can pursue money, try to get a good career. or i can pursue freedom do whatever i feel.
i just want to be happy and do what i want, but nothing makes me happy and i don't know what i want.
sometimes i really wish i was just one of those kids. who has their life planned out. don't live with too much doubt. find a path and keep burning bright, just be content and keep living life. but i could never be like this. my life's one big existential crisis. one day i see the human race and i'm glad to be alive. and the next i wanna separate myself, go far away and hide. one moment i want to leave everything, travel all around the land. and the next i wanna get a place to live with all of my friends. one moment i have faith, and feel spiritual. and the next i feel bleak because i know i'm gonna rot in a hole. and then i try to tell myself that i'm just being dramatic. but then i start to think that i actually have some kind of problem. one moment i will be content and proud of my life and the next i feel depressed staring at the big knife in the dish room as i wash the dishes contemplating my life. and someone will ask "how you doing today" and i'll tell them that "i'm doing okay" but what else am i gonna say? that this pit in my stomach is starting to get way too big and i'm starting to believe that i don't know how to live? but i really am okay because my body's working fine and i still am capable of utilizing my mind. i have some awesome friends, and a couple decent jobs. so why do i feel like i'm gonna throw up?
well i just wanna be happy and do what i want.
but nothing makes me happy and i don't know what i want.
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2. |
invisible skin
04:27
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i want to feel the intangible.
i want everything to be fine.
i want to trade in my body and
i want to trade in my mind.
and i'd lay down in my bed
when i was just a little kid
and i'd pray and pray and pray
about the horrible things that "god" did.
i want to feel the intangible.
i want everything to be fine.
i want to trade in my body and
i want to trade in my mind.
trapped in the skin i've been placed in.
trapped in the skin i've been placed in.
i'm doing time in my mind...
just a disconnected piece.
i am invisible.
crawling one step at a time.
sitting on the sidelines.
i never read the guidelines.
saying everything is fine.
i'm doing time in my mind.
i'm doing time in my mind.
etc
etc
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3. |
slug
05:02
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well tonight i'm sleeping on the side of the highway all alone.
and tonight i'm listening to the roar of the engines all alone.
and i dream of hopping in a car and finally discovering my home.
yeah i dream of riding far away, far from this storm.
and tonight i'm sitting in the middle of the beach all alone.
tonight i'm listening to the murmur of the ocean all alone.
and i dream of paddling far out and never ever ever coming back to shore.
yeah i dream of riding on a wave until i fall into the ocean floor.
but my guitar keeps me company
and sometimes i talk to myself
and i make up people inside my head
so I guess I don’t need anyone else.
she was a hotheaded locomotive manic mystic ready to explode
but i was flapping my jaws to a ghost, my neurons firing out of control
her heart was immense but no rooms were vacant but i followed her like a dog
and the words that she said they were just in my head...i am despondent like a slug.
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4. |
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well Julie said, "how can you be so critical?
you're always picking apart everything that's in front of you."
well i guess i like to see the world when it's cut up into pieces
instead of being overwhelmed by the big picture
and liza said, "you're like a mannequin"
and i just stared her in the face
i didn't say anything.
but deep down i know it was just her nicer way of saying
"you're a hollow shell of a human being"
and the tarot lady said, "you're crazy"
and i went running off into the night
i tried to obtain some piece of mind
but i am no closer to the light
and these thoughts go through my head at an alarming rate
until they drown out everything else that's around
it's like, "you're gonna be in this cloud forever.
all alone soaking wet forever.
and you're never gonna find a way out.
ever. ever. ever. ever."
well the ringing increases and my vision goes pale
the schemes are revealed and they feel unreal
and i can barely make a word, i avert my eyes
and it won't end until i die.
but there's no picture perfect world, all our heads are all fucked up.
just a bunch of fucking basket cases on a rock that's burning up.
so before we all die i guess we just gotta do what we could do.
i just think it's weird if you're not crazy too.
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5. |
dinner and a k-hole
03:32
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i wanna learn the clockwork to your head.
i wanna watch your gears grind.
your fears and anxieties lingering like an hour hand.
i'll try to speed them up the best that i can.
i wanna see every nook and observe every rotation..
every rotation of your rawest human emotions.
second hands clicking like a trigger.
exploding like the sun.
i can stare into your eyes forever.
and i can stare into your mind forever.
so what am i supposed to do when i don't want this to end?
when i'd rather be tranquilized with you than do anything else ever again..
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6. |
probably just fine
02:54
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maybe i'm going crazy
maybe i'm losing my touch
maybe i'm a little mentally ill
maybe i'm overthinking
maybe i need a vacation
maybe i'm losing my mind
maybe i'm really stupid
but i'm probably just fine...
i'm probably just fine.
but i still complain all the time.
maybe i'm an idiot
maybe i'm just full of shit
maybe i'm socially retarded
maybe i'm a little demented
maybe i'm losing my focus
maybe i don't even try
maybe i'm really stupid
but i'm probably just fine
i'm probably just fine.
but i still compain all the time.
and i'm trying to erase those negative thoughts and reprogram my brain
but as the years go by it's getting harder and harder to change, i'll probably stay the same
and i guess i don't know shit about positivity
because everything in the world it always seems like shit to me, shit to me.
and happy people make me sad and angry people make me mad...
is there something wrong with my head?
etc etc
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7. |
speck of grime
03:52
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i stare out
thinking about
words i have said
and nostalgic feelings for times i never had
cosmic indigestion, divine implosions in my skull
i am vanishing, i am terminal
i am insignificant...
i stare out
thinking about
friends i'll never meet
and places i'll never see
blinded my guides with my head in the sand
omnipresent desires
i need to feel all there is.
i am insignificant...
great ideas shifting
feet never pounding
words never written
drifting indecisions
familiarly falling slowly
stitches staring blankly
the smallest speck of grime
the whole world is on front of me
til i die
i rot alive
etc
etc
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8. |
cosmic daycare
04:07
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well sometimes…sometimes…
a lot of times actually I think about death.
I think about dying.
I think about the end of my life.
but ian will bug me through the door of
the attic over and over again
until I leave my bed and talk with my friends
and jen will come over and say something weird and I won’t really know what she means
but i'll smile and laugh, i'm glad she's my friend
so i've never really believed in a "god"
but there is something funny that's been going on
even though i complain that the world looks bleak
the universe takes care of me.
and as i stare into the cold pacific contemplating my life
strangers come by just to talk and help.
and i find rides when i need them and places to stay
and people to talk to when i'm feeling crazy.
and they find me at the strangest of times
and as i knock myself down with every change of the season
i can't help but think that everything happens for a reason
and i'll start to fall feet first into aggravated insanity
but someone i meet will restore my faith in humanity.
etc
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bunny love New Hampshire
home recordings by a person that gets bummed out a lot and moves around a lot
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